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If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The only time I`ve ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?