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My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
The longer I stay at home. The more homeless looking I look.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
You can`t be late until you show up
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”