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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....