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If you live in a custom-built house that doesn’t have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?
Some days I’d like to take a chainsaw and cut a few branches off my family tree.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
What did the Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? Something in Japanese,
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point