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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".