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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.