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If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
My last post deserves WAY more likes than that....let`s go people....chop chop!
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!