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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Serving size ?? LMAO
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can`t make coffee.