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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I got on-line to check the weather...That was 12 years ago.
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I am used but in good condition.
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent