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I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...