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For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
What if the weather talks about us?
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`