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I don`t care about your status...
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.