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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.