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I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
Oh really? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take to mind your own business