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Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.