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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
All I know about sex is from Internet Porn, I`ve tried everything except `Buffering`.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.