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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…