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"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
I make a great second impression.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.