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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.