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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things