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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!