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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Has anyone else ever noticed that the word therapist spells, "the rapist," when split into 2 words?