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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.