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Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
why me is me ?
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
My parents preferred my imaginary friend over me.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.