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We should do this “3-day weekend” thing more often.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I`m just a boy, standing in front of a girl; not listening to a f*cking thing she`s saying. But nodding, lots of nodding.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
life is too short to match socks
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.