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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Your so vain...you probably think this post is about you
I`m drinking like there`s snow tomorrow.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole