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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Ask.com is useless............they have no idea where I put my car keys either
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.