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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Note to self: Next time, don`t use "continue" as the Safe Word.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.