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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.