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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m bored enough to clean.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.