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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Email: 8 character min, including 1 upper, 1 lower, 1 number, 1 special character. ATM card: 4 numbers
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Walmart needs observation decks.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."