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I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Survival rule #1: You go first.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.