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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes