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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.