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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
I`m so broke that I can`t even pay attention!
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..