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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.