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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll