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Before the internet I used to like people.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
When in doubt, take a nap.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
i dont have drain bramage.