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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.