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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
My problem is that all food is comfort food
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....