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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
People must stop questioning my sanity, it wont answer them.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.