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Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Plan B includes margaritas.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.