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Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I need a partner in wine.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin