Daily Silly Status

I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.

I`m not a psychologist,,, but I remember when a Hot Wheels track magically cured 80% of ADHD

Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.

I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??

I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.

Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?

I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.

Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.

It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.

My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...