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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
I hate when I text a girl "I love you" and she`s like "no you don`t." Like bitch, I just fapped to your profile picture, I think I`d know.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.