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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.