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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
I`m single by choice. Just not my choice.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation