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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.