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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
Soup of the day: Tequila.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.