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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
I put the hot in psychotic.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
just want to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes can change your life!
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards