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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”