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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
Do one thing every day that scares you. Or one thing that scares other people.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.