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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.