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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.