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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I don’t have nightmares... I create them for others ;-)
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...