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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.