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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.