Daily Silly Status

I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.

Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.

Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable

I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..

Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés

I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.

"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.

Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?