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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
"Love your friends, Not their sisters." & "Love your sisters, Not their friends." -By Mummy...
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....