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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Can you find the the mistake? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Click Funny if you did..
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."