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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"