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BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Chip clips are for quitters.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.