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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.