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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
If you forget your hook-up’s name, just take them to Starbuck’s in the morning.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.