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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.