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The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Being normal is boring.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.