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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.