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I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?