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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
If you win a years supply of calendars, you would only win 1 calendar.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.