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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
Life Rule #17: Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, ...just incase.
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.