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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present....They are due back at the library today.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?