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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.