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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Iām gonna have to get new pets, Iām running out of passwords.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
My pants are 75% off.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving Iām going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.