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whats the difference between a dog and a fox????? six shots
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
I flunked anger management class.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"