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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches