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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360