Daily Silly Status

You cant ask "What do you mean by that?" without sounding pissed off

When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?

"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.

I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))

A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law

you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)

If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"

I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`

I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.

I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.