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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I`m not homophobic, I love my house!
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
The only reason I keep people`s phone numbers in my phone is to avoid their calls..
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".